Chirocrackpot

Chirocrackpot

The acupuncturists better get their acts together. Sure, they occupy a distinctive and respected niche in the panoply of alternative remedies, but, if they don’t watch their backs, they are going to get blown right out of the market.

The trouble with acupuncture is that it claims to actually cure you. You go for a treatment, or two, or five, and then the acupuncturist says, “are you better?”. If you are better, you’re done. You pay your bill and go back to your life. If you’re not better, they’ll suggest you try something else.

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Miraculous? From a chiropractic brochure.

If I were an acupuncturist, I would make a few changes immediately. First of all, I would help form a strong organization of acupuncturists to sponsor “research” (he he he) to show that almost everyone suffers regular blockages of “qi” along those crowded meridians that run up and down your body. Then I would set up a “study” (ha ha ha) to show that people who receive regular acupuncture are healthier, happier, and sexier than people who don’t. It’s not hard to do. Read the polls. Ask the right question of the right people and you get the results you want every time! Heck, I would even claim that people who receive regular acupuncture get cancer 40% less often than people who only see a chiropractor. You think it might be hard to fudge that kind of data? Come on! Use your imagination!

Next, I would have special little free seminars on health, with treats, entertainment, and a clever speaker, to promote the virtues of weekly acupuncture. The real objective, of course, is not to provide information, but to acquire a large number of new patients. It is not necessary to tell even a single person at these seminars that he or she might not need acupuncture. Why, everyone does!

To successfully promote a remedy, you must first, of course, promote the disease. For chiropractors, it’s “subluxation”, (even though Microsoft’s dictionary doesn’t recognize it as a word). For acupuncturists, I suggest “neuritis”. It sounds sufficiently familiar and medical to be convincing while possessing the all-important quality of nebulousness. All acupuncturists must use this phrase constantly, in reference to every pathological condition, in order to convince the public that everybody has always known that “neuritis” has always existed and needs to be treated constantly. Why, children get “neuritis” right at birth! They need to be treated within the first week or so, to head off cancer, and asthma, chronic fatigue syndrome.

One chiropractor on the web offers a free initial consult to anyone. That’s a great idea. He says that he will provide a careful assessment, and then let you know if you need treatment!

Ha ha.

Ever go to Speedy muffler for a “free” brake inspection? Did they ever tell you, “Well, everything’s shipshape. Can’t find a thing to fix.”? Never. They get your car up on a hoist and then tell you that they just “can’t” let you go without fixing those dangerously worn out or defective brakes or struts or shocks or whatever. That’s the idea. If you really want to generate some serious income, get your prospective client naked on the table under a sheet, and then tell him or her that you just can’t, in good professional conscience, let him walk out that door without a treatment for that terrible case of neuritis.

Do you think it will be hard to convince people that they have neuritis? Not at all. Simply ask the following questions slowly while staring sympathetically into the patient’s eyes:

Do you ever feel tired or irritable?
Any trouble sleeping?
Aches and pains that never seem to go away?
Headaches?
Ever feel sad or depressed? Or tired?
Do you sometimes feel a vague sense of unease or displeasure?
Do you get tired sometimes?
Ever sit down in a chair and not want to get up and jog two miles?

There you go. Just try answering “no” to all those questions? I’ll bet you can’t.

Finally, if you really have trouble convincing your patients to come in more often, follow this procedure: adopt a very serious, compassionate expression, look the patient in the eye, and tell him or her that you cannot, in good conscience, continue to compromise your professional principles. If the patient is not willing to come in at least once every two weeks, you will have to refer him or her to another quack…. Er… therapist.

Interesting stuff on chiropractors:

http://www.chirobase.org/01General/chirosub.html

In 1973, the U.S. Congress authorized Medicare payments for chiropractic treatments if subluxation could be demonstrated from x-rays. This threw chiropractic into a tizzy, because even though chiropractors take x-rays all the time and point out the “subluxation” to their prospective clients… well, the truth is that nobody can really see subluxations. When 20/20 took a set of x-rays to three different chiropractors and asked them to point out the sub-luxated vertebrae, they each picked a different one.

Yet, they have to show one in order to get paid.

Two years ago, in an attempt to “unify” chiropractic terminology, the Association of Chiropractic Colleges issued the following definition: “A subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health.”

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So how about this: “neuritis is a complex of functional and/or structural and pathological changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health”.

Yeah. That about covers everything.

Shania Twain

What I want to know about Shania Twain is, can she cook?

She is very pretty. She has a very nice voice. But there are lots of models out there and lots of girls can sing. Why is she so successful? Is it because she exposes her belly button every time she is in a video? What’s so great about belly buttons?

So all these men are out there watching Shania Twain sing and wiggle her hips and they are thinking, “boy, she’s pretty. I’d like to buy her records.” No. What they’re really thinking is, “I’ll bet that if Shania would just get to know me, she would fall in love with me and want to marry me and live in my house and clean and cook and sew, and look just great in a frilly apron.” Do these same men look at Courtney Love and say, “I’ll bet she can cook.”?

Shania’s married. She married her manager or something. Don’t they always? I think Celine Dion married her manager too. And didn’t Sarah McLachlan marry her drummer? What probably happens is that six zillion men send her deeply personal, anguished, explicit letters, and they all sound a bit scary to a young artistic woman. So she retreats to the safety of someone she thinks she can trust. This is never another famous musician: they always fool around, don’t they? So it’s a drummer or road manager or agent or someone like that.

Shania’s husband probably looks like Rodney Dangerfield. Bad career move. Still, most men probably think, “I’ll bet he’d leave him in a moment if she ever gave me a chance.” Then they buy her CD’s and look at her pretty face and dream.

She does have an appealing face. In this one video, she’s dancing around with all these other people, and they keep trying to take the microphone away from her. She’s laughing and having a good time. It’s a remarkable video. Whoever thought of it was a genius. It makes her appear accessible and good-natured and kind and funny. You start thinking that if you walked right up to her out of the blue, she’d smile and give you a hug.

I’ve never understood popular culture. On my 13th birthday, my mother bought me a copy of the Archies, featuring their classic “Sugar Sugar”. I went “vomit vomit”. I was into Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Leonard Cohen, and the Beatles. Marie Osmond? Olivia Newton-John? I thought they were juvenile.

Today, it’s Shania Twain. Well, she’s better looking than Marie Osmond, but just as boring, as far as her music goes. She’s never going to do a really interesting song, like Sheryl Crowe or Ani DiFranco or Joan Osborne. She’s going to be the Danish Curling Team of women’s music: cheerful and sporting and far more successful than she ever expected to be.

 

Whistling Dixie

Does anyone care that the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court likes to lead singalongs of “Dixie” (“I wish I was in the land of cotton…”) at public conferences?

I suppose we shouldn’t be too, too shocked. This is the same guy who sometimes quotes Gilbert & Sullivan in memos to other Supreme Court justices, and who designed a robe for himself that looks like it belongs in Brigadoon.

The guy is a lunatic. And he is in charge of seeing that the Constitution of the United States of America is properly enforced. This is a man who regularly makes final decisions about matters of race and religion and civil rights in America.

You have to think hard to imagine that you are black lawyer, fighting a case that involves racial prejudice, the results of which may determine whether your client lives or dies. And the Chief Justice sits up there behind his ridiculous robes and smiles at you and you can almost hear him whistling Dixie.

It could be worse.

It could be Robert Bork up there instead.

The Senate: 100 Old White Men

They look oh-so-respectable.

Did you know that it is practically impossible to dethrone an incumbent Senator in the United States? That’s because the Senate is so good, so honest, and so hard-working, that nobody ever wants to change any of its members.

Well, yes, maybe. The truth is that once you have become a Senator, you can call yourself Senator Bigbottom and go around making speeches and public appearances and everybody pretty well assumes that anybody known as Senator anything is entitled to the position by virtue of the cool sounding title. Senator.

“Congressman”, on the other hand, sounds a bit ridiculous, even when applied to a woman. Anybody can be a Congressman. And President? Every two-bit Elvis Presley fan club has a president. What’s the big deal about the President. But Senator? Not many people ever get to be called Senator.

Now, take a wild guess as to how many black Senators there are? Come on. Go ahead. Give it your best shot. Don’t forget that about 18% of the U.S. population is black. So how many Senators, out of one hundred, are black? Ten? Five? Two?

The answer is 0.

That’s right. ZERO. And how many Senators are female? More than half the U.S. population is female, so how many representatives of this gender get to call themselves “Senator”? Fifty? Hoo haw! Twenty? You’re joking. Ten? Maybe.

Maybe two.

That’s all. That’s all you need to know about the Senate.

Sports Psychopathology

Let me make a few things clear before going into this particular rant.

1. I like the U.S. women’s soccer team. They play hard, they have fun, and they play like a team.

2. They deserved to win the gold medal. They took on the world’s best and beat them fair and square.

3. The nauseating hype provided by the U.S. media, which worships everything rich, or sexy, or successful, is not their fault. They cooperated, but they aren’t responsible for flogging it all to death.

There. That’s out of the way. Rah rah for women’s soccer. I hope they start a professional league and I hope they draw lots of fans, and I hope the tax-payers take all the money they currently siphon into professional baseball and football and basketball and hockey and give it to welfare mothers instead.

Why did the U.S. win? Why do they always seem to win? Is the “American way of life”? Is it clean living and virtue? (Judging from some of the more colorful activities of this same women’s soccer team– posing semi-nude for a picture for David Letterman– I guess not.) Is it capitalism? Or is it just that the Americans have a terrific level of determination?

Well, think about some of the training “techniques” the U.S. team used. The entire team went out to a building on the Georgia Tech campus and took turns racing up the concrete steps while their team-mates hollered out the theme from “Rocky”. They also climbed to the top of a cliff in Portland, Oregon. Half of them put on blindfolds while the other team members led them around a narrow ledge.

These activities were devised by a sports psychologist Colleen Hacker. In fact, Hacker is the “team psychologist”. Some of the players credit her strategies with their success.

Sounds logical, right? I think most people read that and think, yes, those strategies probably helped them win.

Why?

Just because they did these exercises and then they won does not prove that there is a causal relationship between the two. In fact, most teams at high levels of competition have team psychologists… and most of them lose.

The U.S. women’s soccer team won because they were more skilled and more determined than the opposition. The truth is that “sports psychology” plays a very role in any competition anywhere.

I’m not a very good competitor myself, I guess. These exercises sound pretty stupid to me. What’s the point? What’s the big deal? These exercises can only make sense to a person who believes that winning is everything. And if you believe that winning is everything, you must believe that life is all about hierarchies, and whoever gets on top is best or happiest or richest or sexiest or whatever. I can’t picture one of these sports psychologists spending a lot of time helping poor people or spending time at an old age home, or teaching kindergarten, or doing any of the millions of things that make life good for people.

But this is the age of Nike, and the media openly proclaim their contempt for the idea that winning might not be the most important thing in life. Implicitly, of course, the exact thing they proclaim is that consuming is the most important thing in life. Your hero may be a lean and mean and physically beautiful 20-year-old athlete, but you are 30 pounds overweight and sitting on your couch drinking beer and eating chips and then rushing down to the mall to buy some Nike sneakers because Michael Jordan says losers like you suck, big time.

The real purpose of sports psychology is the same as the real purpose of management consulting: to convince you that you can be just as successful as anyone else if you follow certain prescribed practices and strategies. The truth is that successful people are successful because they were born with certain skills or blessings or blind luck, and you will never be as successful as they are no matter how hard you try…. but you can sure spend a lot of money trying.

Run. Run to the mall. Buy, buy, buy. When you get to the top of those steps leading into the Dunkin’ Donuts, raise your hands in the air and scream, “gonna fly now…..”.

2022-04-11 Addendum

[I neglected to point out one important germane fact: the officiating to this point always favored the Americans.  I’m not saying they actually gave them the games– no, no– that would be too obvious.  But it was also obvious that close-calls in close games always went the Americans’ way.  It’s not hard to believe : the institutions that controlled international soccer matches understood perfectly where the money was: big American corporations who were not about to put out if the Americans were not in the finals.]

Ikea

I used to look through Sears and Eaton’s catalogues mainly because there were pictures of women in their underwear. Once in a while, I would accidentally look at some of the home furnishings. What I saw nearly sickened me.

Where did they get those homes from? Nobody I knew lived in one. They were immaculate, in a perverse sort of way. The furniture was new, polished, slick, plastic. There were no signs of life, no clothes, no magazines tossed aside, no half-eaten bagels or half-empty cups of coffee. There was never any chili or soup in any of the pots. There were never any towels hanging half-folded over the sink or bathroom counter.

What was the message here? You were supposed to look at this catalogue and think, “Wow! That’s so beautiful! That’s what our house should look like! That’s what will make our friends think we’re smart and rich!” And you would buy this furniture and put it into your house and for a few days your home would look like a Sear’s catalogue but soon everything would be ugly and messy again and you’d realize that you just don’t measure up to the ideal.

Have you ever seen an Ikea catalogue? Here it is. Here is a picture of a place setting. The glass is half empty—someone’s been sipping. The silverware is scattered around as if someone just got home from work and didn’t have time to lay it out perfectly before the chili boiled over on the stove.

And here’s a picture of a pull-out pantry. By golly—there’s food in there, with the labels showing! And here’s a picture of a shoe cabinet. It’s full of papers and magazines that look as if someone just dumped them there. There’s a backpack beside it on the ground. What’s that doing there? And—can I bear the sight—here’s a bed…. and it’s unmade! Someone has actually slept in it!

Just gazing at the Sear’s ideal, you can sense the overwhelming sterility closing in on you. You get a sense that the customers of this store have no idea of what money is for, so they buy ostentatious, phony, bland, useless ornaments for their homes, and then sit around like manikins all day, admiring their silver-wear and doilies.

Ikea gives you a sense that people actually live in these furnishings. They enjoy them. They sleep on the bed, drink from the glasses, work under the beautiful halogen lights. They store things in the cabinets and eat off the tables. They have busy lives.

Ikea must be the only major furniture catalogue I have seen that shows a man with long hair tending a baby while preparing supper.

The Americans have some things right and some things wrong. They have furniture wrong.

Software Police

All over the civilized world, the software police– at taxpayer’s expense– are invading homes and the offices of Internet Service Providers, warrants in hand, to shut down those evil, pernicious, dangerous, malevolent software pirates.

That’s the way the world works. The lawyers for a big company like Microsoft or Lotus calls the police. They say, “arrest that man– he’s stealing our software!” The police say, “yes sir!” and throw on their flak jackets, arm themselves to the teeth, hop into their paddy wagons, and go racing out to courageously fight for justice and truth and all that.

It should tell you something about the nature of our economy and our politics that if you called the police and asked them to arrest Microsoft or Lotus or Compaq, for the same crime, they would laugh in your face. You just know, don’t you, that the police would assume that a lawyer for Microsoft represents the forces of justice and truth, while a mere consumer represents… well… the average person. And the law, my friend, has become a tool of the rich, by which they exploit you and me.

Case in point. Do you own a computer? What does it mean to own? If you own your couch, that means that no one can sit on it without your permission. If you own a house, in the U.S., that means you can pretty well kill anybody who tries to enter it without your permission.

You own this computer. So why is your hard drive loaded with parasite programs that suck the breath out of your CPU? Why is your e-mail flooded with SPAM? Why can’t you delete certain directories like “My Documents”? Why does Office 97 exterminate your copy of Office 95, without giving you a choice? And when Windows crashes for the umpteenth time, costing you hours and hours of precious work, why is nobody accountable for it? Why is Compaq allowed to sell laptops with fake modems? Why can a software company sell a check-writing program that doesn’t work and refuse to give the purchaser his money back?

This is theft, of your time and your property.  It is robbery.

 

Tail-Gunner Bill Buckley Jr.

William F. Buckley, the famous American conservative with a fake, snotty British accent, has recently published a novel. With an audaciousness rarely seen in the literary community, he has decided to undertake the rehabilitation of Senator Joseph McCarthy. Sure, the rest of the world has come to see McCarthyism as a synonym for bigotry, intolerance, and fanaticism, but Mr. Buckley has decided that he alone can correct that erroneous impression. McCarthy was a hero. He was right. He may well have saved America!

I always feel reassured when conservatives show their true colors. You see, many conservatives seem to have turned their backs on McCarthyism and appear to agree with most people that McCarthyism was a bad thing. In a roundabout way, I think this causes many people to get the warm fuzzies when they see George Bush Jr. on television, talking about compassion, even if they know that the U.S. Treasury can’t print dollars fast enough to keep up with the orgasmic flush being directed to Bush, and the Republican Party, by big corporations.

In case anyone needs a refresher, Senator McCarthy chaired a committee which investigated the penetration of U.S. government agencies, including the army, by communist agents. You really need to see one of the good dramatizations of McCarthy’s tactics (“Fear on Trial” is a good start) to appreciate the man. Not a man to waste his time with obtuse diversions like evidence or due process, he merely smeared people with innuendo or suspicion and bullied corporations, the government, the army, and Hollywood, into destroying the lives of anyone who would not appear before his committee, bow before him, and rat on his or her buddies. He was finally disgraced when even Eisenhower couldn’t stomach him anymore. He died a lonely, broken man, an alcoholic, and left, as his greatest legacy, his name as an adjective.

But Mr. Buckley wants to rehabilitate his image. Did we all miss something? Was Senator McCarthy misunderstood? Did he really save America? Can you believe Billy Buckley Jr.’s version of events?

Buckley describes, in his novel, an old black man who asks if it is true that the International Communist Conspiracy is seeking to undermine the U.S. government. Yes, of course. Then why, he asks, don’t we just run them out of town, like we used to? Buckley thinks this is the right attitude. Why don’t we just run them out of town? And that is Buckley’s real vision of “democracy”. If we don’t like someone, we just run him out of town. And why apply that solution only to communists?

If you like that philosophy, then save a soft spot in your heart for “Tail-gunner” Joe McCarthy. And keep your bags packed. There is always a witch hunt somewhere

 

Letter to Compaq Computers

Thursday, June 03, 1999

Dear Mr. Ciceri,

I’m a busy person, and I’m sure you’re very busy– so I will be very brief.

About two months ago, we were shopping for a laptop computer. I had not purchased a Compaq in some time, because I had been “burned” about seven or eight years ago by Compaq’s proprietary memory modules– we had to pay three times as much as other computer owners did for a simple memory upgrade. However, I thought it was time to give Compaq an opportunity to win more of our business. We bought three Compaq Armadas, and then I bought a Presario Notebook, model 1920, for myself—because I needed a large hard drive and lots of power.

I discovered, within a couple of weeks, that Compaq now installs “Winmodems” on its notebooks. I was shocked and extremely disappointed. I called your staff and asked to exchange this model for a Compaq that had a real modem. No dice—you don’t make any models with a real modem anymore. Fine, I will take a refund—it’s been less than 30 days. Then I’ll get a Sony or some other model that does have a real modem. Surely you don’t want a dissatisfied customer.

I won’t bore you with the details. I was on the phone for hours arguing with your staff. The bottom line was quite clear. Once Compaq has your money— they will never, ever give it back, no matter how dissatisfied you, the customer, may be..

I was a little stunned. Usually large companies that wish to do well over the long term realize that customer satisfaction is far more important than the profit margin on the sale of a single item. We are not a small company. I play an important—probably decisive – role in almost all computer purchases for this agency. You don’t even want to give me the benefit of the doubt?

Your staff argued vehemently with me that winmodems are great. I won’t repeat the discussion—ask any reputable, independent computer expert what he thinks of “winmodems”. They are the “mopeds” of the computer world. They only function with Windows. They create a larger profit margin for the modem vendors because, even though they cost less to the consumer, they also cost way less to manufacture. And they can sell you an “upgrade” without providing any new product at all. Just send the user a “patch” that shoves more of the work onto the CPU. And Winmodems increase Microsoft’s proprietary stranglehold on the desktop.

That’s not my only complaint about your notebook. I discovered that my 6.5 GIG hard drive is only a 5.0 Gig hard drive. Again, semantics aside, the Presario has stolen 1.6 GIG of MY disk space for something called “System Save”. I am warned that if I delete this, I will be in danger of losing data or worse.

Look, you had a reasonable customer who didn’t expect the world—only a decent, well-made notebook computer, with 6.5 GIG hard drive space, and a modem. Because this notebook has a “winmodem”, I cannot use it to run Linux, my favourite OS. Nothing in your advertising or webpages indicates that you can’t run Linux on the Presario 1920. And, well, you can run it, if you don’t need a modem. As if…

Anyway, the bottom line is this: Compaq had (has) a choice. Compaq could have said: we have an unhappy customer. We did fudge a bit about the modem. Maybe he’s got a point. Maybe not. But let’s make sure we don’t cost ourselves future sales: give him his money back.

Or… like any carnival huckster, Compaq can keep my money in their tight little fists and refuse to ever give it back, knowing full well that it would cost me more in legal fees to fight them than it would to swallow that unpleasant taste in my mouth and take my cruddy little notebook computer home and let it sit in a little corner somewhere.

Sir, you refused to make good on your promises. You made me feel ripped off. Your salesmen, beyond all comprehension, said, yes, we will write off any possible future sales to Christian Horizons for years and years and years, just so we can desperately hang on to the profit margin from a single laptop computer. I was amazed. If I had any money invested in Compaq stock and if I thought this was representative of how Compaq deals with its customers, I would sell my stock immediately.

Unless Compaq has a change of policy, you might as well send your brochures elsewhere.

Bill Van Dyk

Butch, Sundance, and Etta: the Lonely Dislocations of History

Robert Leroy Parker, alias Butch Cassidy, was born in Beaver, Utah, on April 13, 1866. He was the first of 13 children. His mother and father were Mormons, trying to eke out a living on a small homestead that was eventually taken away from them by the Mormon Church. At 16, Butch met a drifter and cattle rustler named Mike Cassidy. Cassidy taught Butch how to shoot, and, possibly, why he would want to know how to shoot. At 18, Butch left home and began his long career as an itinerant outlaw. Eventually, he adopted Cassidy’s last name. He was called “Butch” after one of his infrequent attempts to earn an honest living, as a butcher.

Harry Longabaugh, alias The Sundance Kid, was born in Pennsylvania in the Spring of 1867. At the age of 15, he left home and traveled to Durango with a cousin. He drifted around taking jobs here and there, until the harsh winter of 1884, when disastrous winter storms in the west wiped out most large herds of cattle, and the jobs tending them. In 1886, he stole his first horse. He was caught. He escaped. He was caught again, and escaped again. A newspaper published a headline story about his adventures. He wrote a fairly literate letter to the editor, disputing some of the points, but disarmingly conceding that he was, indeed, a thief.

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It was around this time that the Sundance Kid met a woman named Etta and took her with him to the famous outlaw refuge, the Hole-in-the-Wall, in Wyoming. Who was she? Where did she come from? Why was she traveling around the wild west in the company of a known outlaw? She registered in hotels as Etta “Place”, but Place was Sundance’s mother’s last name. All that was known about her for certain was that she was young, she appeared to be refined and educated, yet she could ride a horse and shoot a Winchester rifle, and she spent about ten years in the company of two of the most wanted bank robbers and criminals in the history of the American West. There were many rumors—that she was a prostitute, or a teacher, or both–but almost nothing could be confirmed. Even the Pinkerton’s Detective Agency was mystified by her.

On June 2, 1899, the Sundance Kid and Butch Cassidy, and about five others, robbed their first train together—the Union Pacific—between Wilcox and Medicine Bow, Wyoming. They politely informed passengers and crew that no one’s lives were in danger as long as they cooperated. Then they blew up the mail car—using too much dynamite– and recovered $30,000 from the debris. On August 29, 1900, they took another Union Pacific train for $55,000. On September 19, $33,000, from a bank in Winnemucca, Nevada. The banks and railroads posted rewards of $10,000 a head for any member of the gang. In today’s terms, that would be over $100,000. Their $30,000 haul from the Union Pacific was probably worth about $400,000 today. Pocket change, by Michael Jordan standards.

Keep in mind that some conjecture is involved here. While it is known with some certainty that Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid were associated with the gang known as the Wild Bunch during this period and that members of this gang committed a series of train and bank robberies during the late 1890’s and early 1900’s, everything else is somewhat conjectural. Naturally, the outlaws did not exactly keep detailed logs of their larcenies. Different combinations of men robbed different banks. In some cases, Butch or Sundance may have masterminded robberies that they did not directly take part in. In other cases, it is now known, robberies attributed to them were committed by others.

That fall, one of the gang members married a former prostitute, Lillie Davis, in Forth Worth, Texas. Lillie had worked in a well-known bordello named “Fanny Porter’s” in the rowdy Hells Half Acre—a sort of red-light district to which the authorities turned a blind eye, usually. After the reception, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and Harvey Logan, Ben Kilpatrick, and the groom, Will Carver, had a group portrait taken. This turned out to be a serious mistake, an act of hubris, by men who were otherwise regarded as very clever. A Well’s Fargo detective, recognizing Will Carver, obtained a copy of the picture and it was widely posted. Ironically, it may have been this picture, more than anything else, that sealed the image of glamour and sophistication attached to these men, in the public mind. The outlaws look dapper, bemused, and well-bred. They look like well-to-do bankers. They looked successful.

Study the photograph carefully for a minute. Will Carver was killed by a sheriff in Texas in April the next year. Logan, reputed to be the only genuine psychopath in the group, was killed (or committed suicide) in June 1904. Kilpatrick was captured and sentenced to 15 years in November, 1901. He was released in 1911, and killed while attempting to rob a train less than a year later.

Anyway, back in 1900, Cassidy and Sundance found their lives becoming difficult. The wild open plains of the west became dotted with towns and villages, new railroads and telegraph lines, marshals and posses, private detectives and bounty hunters. The legendary Pinkerton Detective Agency, hired by the railroads, was also hot on their trail. With their photos posted everywhere and large rewards for their capture, dead or alive, they faced long, lonely, restless lives as fugitives, never able to drop their guards for even a minute.

Oddly enough, they felt safe traveling to New York City with Etta in February, 1901. I would suppose they figured that would be one of the last places Pinkerton’s would expect to find them, but who knows?

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After three weeks of rest and relaxation, they departed for South America, where they planned to go straight, buy themselves a ranch, and blend into the general population. Sundance, in particular, seemed to crave a “normal” life, perhaps hoping to settle down with Etta and raise children.

In South America, the threesome established a ranch near the remote town of Cholila, in southern Argentina, where they built a log cabin and acquired horses and cattle and entertained their neighbors and were regarded as good citizens. Argentine officials had no idea of who they really were. It is said that Etta even danced with the governor at a ball.

For unknown reasons, Sundance and Etta traveled to Manhattan on April 3, 1902 and remained there for three months. Butch accompanied them as far as Buenos Aires. He stayed in a comfortable hotel there, the Europa, for three weeks. Sundance may have sought medical treatment for a wound in the leg in Chicago, and Etta may have seen the doctor as well: about this time, the Pinkerton’s obtained a description of her. She was 5’ 5″, 110 pounds, medium dark hair, blue or grey eyes, no blemishes on her skin.

Butch allegedly said of her once, “She was a great housekeeper with the heart of a whore.”

Cholila was a remote village in Southern Argentina, inaccessible from the more settled north during the rainy season, and 15 days strenuous travel by horseback from Rawson, on the coast. Nevertheless, the Pinkertons were able to trace their movements through informants. They offered to arrest them and bring them back to the United States for trial, but the American Bankers Association was content to leave them alone in South America, where they wouldn’t be able to rob American banks.

The Pinkerton’s were not content. A spiteful agent, Frank Dimaio– it had to be spite, didn’t it?– circulated wanted posters in the area around Cholila. He tried to persuade the Argentine police that Butch and Sundance were involved with local bank robberies. By the end of 1904, the trio had disappeared from Cholila. They had been tipped off that the authorities were on their way to arrest them.

Without a source of honest income, Sundance and Butch fell back upon tried and true methods of survival. They robbed a bank in Rio Gallegos, near the Magellan Strait, and then they robbed one in Villa Mercedes, about 800 miles north of Cholila. It is generally believed that Etta took part in both robberies. According to friends, Butch and Sundance had wanted to go straight, but nobody would let them.

The details of the Rio Gallegos robbery provide an interesting glimpse of how they operated. The three arrived in town two weeks before the robbery and checked into the best hotel under assumed names. They deposited $12,000 in the Banco de la Nacion, the largest, most prestigious financial institution in town, and made the acquaintance of the manager and several tellers. They made it known that they were looking to buy some land and were invited to parties given by the elite of the town. Either Butch or Sundance dropped by at the bank every day, pretending to have business to discuss with the manager, while actually scrutinizing the layout, the schedules of major deposits, and the best escape routes. On the day before the robbery, they withdrew all their money, and threw a lavish party that lasted well into the night for all their new friends. The next day, at 11:00 a.m., one of them asked to see the manager while the other waited in the lobby. Then they pulled out their weapons, forced the manager to turn over the money, and raced off on fresh horses waiting for them outside, probably with Etta. They made off with $70,000. Several posses and police forces followed them for up to three weeks. All they found were tired, discarded horses.

In January 1906, the trio were seen crossing the Salado river on a raft, probably headed over the Andes into Chile. This may well have been the last reported sighting of Etta Place. She was never seen again in the company of Butch or Sundance, or, indeed, anyone else.

Percy Siebert, an engineer for the Concordia Mine, where Butch and Sundance worked for a time as payroll guards (!) claimed that Butch told him that Sundance had taken Etta back to Colorado for an appendectomy. While waiting for her to recover, Sundance got drunk one night, shot up his room, and had to leave town in a hurry. “He didn’t know what became of her after that,” said Percy. Nor did anyone else. Etta’s pretty, fine-featured face faded away into one of the great mysteries of the old west.

If she had needed an appendectomy, it would have made no sense to travel all the way to Colorado to have it done: she would have died well before she got there.

He didn’t know what became of her after that. I don’t want to just glibly pass over that line. If, as reported, Sundance fled the scene and never came back for her, it’s one of the saddest lines ever written. How does the “heart of a whore” break? Did Sundance grow tired of her company, or did she grow tired of their primitive, dangerous lives in Argentina?

In the following years, Butch and Sundance tried again to go straight, working for mines and ranchers, but inevitably their real identities were discovered and they were forced to flee. Again and again, they resorted to larceny to get by. After holding up the payroll for a mining company in Bolivia, in early November 1908, they stopped in a small, godforsaken little town called San Vicente. A citizen noticed the mining company brand on one of their mules and notified the local constabulary. When the soldiers arrived to question them, gunfire broke out. Butch and Sundance were trapped in a small, unprotected villa. After an intense gun-battle, both were seriously wounded. The police waited all night before confirming that the two were dead. Both of them had died from bullet wounds to the head. It was believed that Sundance shot the wounded Butch to put him out of his misery, and then himself.

There were persistent rumors that Butch survived the shootout—or wasn’t even there when it happened– and traveled back to the U.S. where he lived in anonymity for another thirty years. Unfortunately, there is very little convincing proof of this story. A Spokane machine shop owner named William T. Phillips famously claimed to be the former outlaw, but his claims have been demonstrated to be false.

What is clear is that no one ever heard from them again. All letters and contacts ceased as of November 6, 1908. And almost immediately, the process of transforming outlaws into icons set in. Western novels celebrated their skills with a gun, their rugged individuality, and “honor” code (the myth of the shootout at high noon, with it’s almost mystical adherence to protocol). One of the very first films ever made, Porter’s “The Great Train Robbery”, was inspired by their exploits.

* * *

Now most Americans nowadays seem to be possessed of this great notion that men and women who break the law should be punished very severely. If you commit a felony three times in California, the judge is obliged to sentence you to something like 50 years, under the “Three Strikes and You’re Out” laws passed by its enlightened state legislature.

You would think that a society that is so determined to punish crime that it would send pick-pockets, soft drug users, and shoplifters to prison for 50 years would regard a pair of bank robbers with at least a little ironic detachment. But a quick browse through the dozens of web sites devoted (and I mean devoted) to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid tells you a different story: Americans love these guys. They adore them. They admire them beyond all reason and common sense. They want to know everything about them, what they wore, what they ate, how many bullets they had in their gun belts at the moment they died. They want to believe that they were the fastest, the smartest, the best-looking criminals on the face of the earth. They are our heroes.

You could make an argument for it. Butch and Sundance planned their robberies with meticulous attention to timing and detail. Like Bonnie and Clyde, they seemed to rob institutions, not people. They tried to live up to a standard of professionalism. They preferred to get in and out quickly, with a minimum of confrontation. They studiously avoided shooting anybody if they could. This might strike the modern reader as chivalric, but there’s a lot of common sense to it too—murder is a far more serious crime than robbery, and would certainly draw more lawmen, detectives, and bounty hunters into the chase.

But when pursued and confronted, they would shoot to kill. I didn’t see many web sites devoted to the lawmen who died in their wake.

So you could argue that Butch and Sundance are heroes today because they were smart and witty and good-looking and didn’t really do any harm to people, other than to the banks and the corporations. On the other hand, you could probably say the same about a lot of those young men serving long prison terms in California right now. In 1993, 50% of the prison population consisted of people convicted of drug possession. Surely these men and women were no more intent on harming anyone—other than themselves– than Butch or Sundance were. I’ll bet a lot of them are witty. Some of them probably know how to dress well.

And you could say the same about a lot of young professional athletes, who get caught using drugs, or driving while drunk, or assaulting their coaches, or raping cheerleaders, or cheating on their college grades. Those poor boys. We should help them.

There is a further irony in the fact that one of the reasons Butch traveled out west in the first place was his thirst for adventure, slaked by cheap dime-store novels about the west. Blame the media.

It is important to remember that the line between right and wrong in the western frontier in the late 19th century was not clearly delineated. Ranchers frequently “employed” lawmen, to drive out homesteaders and “undesirables”. Sometimes the homesteaders would hire their own “lawman”, to fight the rancher’s lawman. State politics were exceedingly corrupt. Perhaps, like Bonnie and Clyde, the Sundance Kid and Butch Cassidy represented the underdog, fighting the corrupt powers that be. Perhaps they were just good businessmen, like Monsieur Verdoux, doing what they had to to make a living. Kill someone during a robbery and you are a criminal. Kill thousands during an invasion and you get a medal.

But in the same sense, young black athletes, like Allen Iverson, Lattrell Sprewell, and others, emerged from poverty and economic oppression in the dark inner cities of America, to represent vicarious triumph over the corrupt, rich, white racist establishment.

There’s not much out there that reads well in black and white. Most of the world is as grey as Etta’s peerless face in that wonderful black and white photograph. We don’t know what became of her after that.