Dr. Seuss and Chaos Theory

How important are childhood books? I’m not sure. I suspect they can be very important. I read “The Cat in the Hat” when I was quite young, and became convinced of chaos theory.

I’m only partly kidding, you know. In that story, you may recall, these two children in a very tightly ordered house are looking through a window at the rain. They are bored. Bored bored bored! Mother is gone shopping or something– not working, in those days. The house is supposed to be kept neat. Neat neat neat! The goldfish nods approvingly at the docile, cowed little children.

Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. Who could it be? It’s the cat in the hat! The cat in the hat bursts into house in search of his “missing moss-covered, three handled, family gredunza”. He tells the children that he is going to make their day very exciting. The children are conflicted– would mother allow this? The goldfish says “No! No! No!” But it’s too late. The cat in the hat turns the whole house upside down! There he is juggling furniture on his unicycle (even the goldfish bowl, the water shlepping overboard). Mayhem! Chaos!

Then, just when it seems like things couldn’t get worse, the cat introduces the children to his two little friends, Thing 1 and Thing 2. They resemble little urchins, gremlins, munchkins. They behave like whirling dervishes, smashing everything in their paths.

I won’t explore the Freudian overtones of “Thing 1” and “Thing 2”. But it’s rather obvious, isn’t it?

The children? Are they amused? Alarmed? I think they were both. I think that girl grew up to burn her bra, and that boy burned his draft card. But it doesn’t matter what they think. The house is now a disaster. And look! Whose feet do they see striding purposefully past the window? Mother! Authority. God? Now, all is lost.

You don’t know what exactly mother is going to do. All you know is that it will be something very, very unpleasant. The goldfish righteously denounces the cat as an anarchist and atheist. (It is clear that the cat is liberal, the goldfish, conservative. Or is the mother a PC liberal?! And the cat– Anne Coulter!) The children are in despair. What will they do? First of all, they kick the Cat in the Hat out of the house. But they’ll never get this house back into an semblance of order….

Then a miracle. The Cat in the Hat returns. But he has brought a wonderful, magical cleaning machine. The machine cleans up the entire house in the flash of an eye. Then the cat and his machine disappears and mother appears in the doorway. All is well.

Is it really? I can vividly remember my childhood impressions of this book. There was an element of terror. The house, you see, was a metaphor for life itself. Everything seemed to be orderly and tidy and coherent. Suddenly, the cat enters the picture and the thin veneer of civilization and restraint gives way to a horrifying– and fascinating– disorder and violence. Furniture, appliances, and even creatures are exuberantly tossed into the air, juggled, hurled about with complete disregard for safety or sanity. The children stand helplessly by, overwhelmed, and enraptured. The goldfish– like an ancient biblical prophet– warns of doom and gloom. Indeed, when God’s feet appear, all seems lost.

And it is lost. Yes, I know– in the story, the cat in the hat returns with his magical cleaning machine and, in the nick of time, everything is put back in its place before mother enters and asks the children if they had an eventful day. But what can this possibly mean? That in real life, something magical is going to come along in the nick of time and rescue us from disaster?

I know that the children can no longer rely on this façade of order. They can no longer rely on the idea of a moral universe that holds together on the basis of clear rules and lines of accountability.

They are going to rock’n’roll. They will do drugs.

The Tomb of the Unknown Fool

The Royal Canadian Legion has persuaded the government to pick up the interned body of a dead Canadian soldier from World War I and fly it back to Canada to be re-interred under a new monument in Ottawa. This monument will be called the “tomb of the unknown soldier” and will be reverentially saluted by all Legion members who, when they aren’t busy trying to prevent Sikhs from entering their pubs, like to parade around insisting that the only way to prevent another war is to arm ourselves to the teeth and adopt a belligerent attitude to all foreigners.

If I had the money, I would like to set up a counter-monument: the Tomb of the Unknown Fool. And I would demand a body too. There’s lots to go around. Millions.

Who says only the pro-war faction gets to haul bones around at taxpayers’ expense?

And I want a ceremony too: with a bunch of clowns and folk singers. We would sing songs, maybe even with bagpipes, and celebrate the fact that most people nowadays are smart and educated and would gladly refuse to travel to some rat and leech-infested bog in Europe to shoot at Germans or French or Italians for no other reason than that the Canadian Establishment, the owners and movers of capital in this country, said they should. To defend the motherland…. To preserve the nations’ honor…. To make the world safe for freedom and democracy…. Right.

The confusing thing about the issue, in the minds of most Canadians, is the fact that virtually everyone proclaims him or herself to be opposed to war, and visibly moved by the sacrifices of those brave young men who were shipped overseas to die on the alters of British and French Generals’ egos. It’s an apple pie kind of thing: who would NOT wish to honor men who gave their lives in war.

But the blurring of motivations here benefits the pro-war faction. Pacifists feel great sorrow, of course, for the loss of life in war, and in joining the mourning, respectfully, even feelingly, appear to affirm the political agenda of the Legion and the army bands.

Yes, everyone says he is against death and suffering and anguish. That means nothing. The difference is, the Legion and its followers are clearly quite willing to inflict suffering and death on others if it preserves something “pure” (and mythic) like “honor” or “liberty” or the heritage of our forefathers. Listen to the language with which they embellish the remains of that poor sucker: He was noble and proud and courageous and selfless and honorable. He may have been. Without a doubt, he was a sucker. He believed his government when the government said its cause was righteous. He trusted in his commanding officers even when they were complete fools. He obeyed orders without question, even when the orders were stupid.

What suckers! What foolish, gullible, ignorant people! What did the dead of WWI sacrifice their lives for? Which side was honorable and right and just? What were they fighting for?

General Motors and Exxon.

Goodyear and Rockefeller.

Dupont and Macy’s.

George Bush Sr., with toady Billy Graham at his side, proclaimed that the American-led armies of the Gulf War were fighting for democracy and freedom. Kuwait– you remember, don’t you?– had to be rescued from the forces of darkness. Right. Now we know that most of George Bush Sr.’s illustrations were lies.

They were fighting for Exxon and Shell and Amoco and BP and Texaco. It was the biggest tax subsidy of modern times: billions of dollars of military hardware, paid for by you and me. The Pentagon employed as security guards for oil refineries.

Who pays the price of war?

Who always pays the price of war?

Burt, Rock, J. Edgar, and 250 Marines

In the 1960’s, I watched a television show on Sunday nights called “The FBI”. This show, every episode of which was approved to the smallest detail by actual FBI agents, showed how these clever FBI agents tracked down and arrested inter-state kidnappers, smugglers, murderers, and bank robbers. We were supposed to be thrilled to see these re-enactments of cases from “actual” FBI files.

The producers of this program did a great disservice to the American public when they left out some of the more colorful and exciting episodes of FBI astuteness. Like when they tapped Martin Luther King Jr.’s phones. Or when they tried to harass John Lennon into leaving the country. And how come we didn’t get to spend an evening with J. Edgar Hoover and his life-long male “companion”? And what about an episode on how Burt Lancaster single-handedly threatened the stability and integrity of the U.S. government?

Burt Lancaster? Well, yes. It seems that FBI kept a close eye on this reputed saboteur and Soviet plant. Seems that Mr. Lancaster was a tad on the liberal side, you see. The FBI, ever vigilant, ensured that Burt never got the chance to undermine the U.S. government, by, say, spying on conservative citizens or harassing pro-war activists.

Mr. Hoover felt that Mr. Lancaster’s passionate embrace of Deborah Kerr in From Here to Eternity– the famous scene in the rolling surf– was obscene and lewd. He watched it hundreds of times just be sure he didn’t miss any part of the alleged lewdness. He had FBI agents demand out-takes from the movie studio to study the issue in greater detail. [Added 2011-03: I am not making this up.]

Yes, this man was paid with your tax dollars.

Incidentally, the FBI claimed, in a report, that Lancaster had taken part in a homosexual orgy with Rock Hudson and 250 U.S. marines. I am not making this up. It is in the Toronto Star, March 12, 2000.

What I’m curious about is how they– Burt and Rock, I mean– found 250 marines. I mean I know it’s almost unbelievable, but this is a report from the FBI, the most renowned police organization in the world! So, if they say it’s true, it must be. But how did Burt and Rock find that many marines who were gay? Did they put an ad in Stars and Stripes’ personals: “Famous movie stars would like to meet large numbers of open-minded marines for weekend frolic at exclusive L.A. mansion…”

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m ever so relieved that at a time when our culture was extremely vulnerable to communist influence, those staunch allies of freedom and liberty at the FBI were standing firm, devoted to their cause and standing resolutely on guard against the perils of godless atheism and socialism!