Tag: police chases

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A Woman in a car in Washington D.C.

Is it possible to take a minute and analyze carefully what just happened in Washington D. C. that has the entire Twitterverse buzzing like a chainsaw jackhammer?

First thing I saw on TV was a police officer telling us that the police performed absolutely heroically. They were courageous and smart and wonderful and they got Timmy safely out of the well. Boy, we’re GREAT. I mean it.

Shots were fired. That’s always electrifying and the first reports on CBC stated that “shots were fired”. They were– by the police.

The police sprang into action. Why? Because they saw other police chasing a car and running down the streets. They sprang into action, locked down government buildings, prevented congressmen from crossing the street, and I’m sure a couple of Secret Service agents threw themselves on top of Obama. All of this was the result of the perception that other police were running around pointing guns and chasing people off the sidewalks. Why were these other police running around and chasing people off the sidewalks? Because some police cars went by with their sirens blaring. And shots were about to be fired.

What actually happened: a woman drove her car towards the White House and appeared to try to drive through the very powerful barricades in front of the President’s home. When the police tried to stop her, she backed up, into a police car, and drove away.

Now, I’m as sentimental as the next guy and I’m sure that that woman spokesperson for the police meant well, and wanted to reassure us that there was nothing the police couldn’t do, but it appeared to me that the police at that moment needed more than anything else to immobilize that car, and this they failed to do. They actually let her reverse the car, back up and out, and drive off, resulting in a hysterical chase down Pennsylvania Avenue as she headed towards….. (very loud basso profundo now) CONGRESS. Where clearly she meant to GTA the Tea Party and get the country moving again.

She smashed into a guard hut and the police surrounded her car and shot her to death. Since they seemed clueless about how to block a car in so it couldn’t escape again, I guess they thought they had no choice.

I’m sure the NRA will assure us that cars don’t kill people: only women with babies kill people, and if only an upstanding NRA member had had his car there at that moment, all would be well.

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The Naked Truth About Police Chases

A 46-year-old woman in Indiana decided to go for a drive. Naked. A policeman spotted her.

Okay, let’s say you’re a cop. You see this woman drive by, and she appears to be naked. You immediately realize that this naked woman is a serious threat to public safety and security and MUST BE STOPPED. On go the lights. On goes the siren. Maybe you even make little “woo-woo” sounds with your mouth as you wheel your muscular Chevy Malibu 360 degrees and step on the gas. Maybe your trigger finger starts twitching: what if she’s got a concealed weapon? Well, all right. What if she has a gun on her lap? You think back to police school– what did they teach you about handling naked women drivers? Should you call out the SWAT team? You get on the radio, anyway, and call for assistance. From the looks of things, could be trouble. “Naked woman in a car. Am proceeding to apprehend.”

Five different police departments respond to your call.

This naked woman doesn’t want to stop for you. She steps on the gas. Soon, she is driving 160 kilometers per hour (110 mph).

Well, now you have a threat to public safety.

At least five other police cars get involved in the chase. Let’s say it takes them about 30 minutes to join the race, catch up with the woman, pull her over, sort out who gets to lay charges, and then get back to other duties. That’s probably about $1000.00 for the officers alone, benefits included. Then there’s the cars (fuel and maintenance) the paper work, the processing time for the charges, the court appearances, the District Attorney and his assistants, and so on. I’ll bet by the time you’re done, it’s going to cost the taxpayer over $5,000.00 to deal with this naked woman. What if one or more of the police cars had been damaged in the chase? What if a child had been hit by one of the speeding cars?

Sometimes I think privatization might be a good thing. Suppose I was an ambitious businessman and I owned my own police force and I contracted my services out to the State of Indiana. Suppose one of my employees radioed in that a naked woman just drove by and he wanted to pursue her.

Come on. Are you nuts? I’d tell him to go check to see if a bank is being robbed somewhere. I’d tell him to go to a pool hall and cover a few games for a bunch of teenagers. I’d tell him to park his car downtown and take a walk and chat with at least five merchants. I’d tell him to find a school basketball court, take off his tie and gun, and play three-on-three with whoever’s hanging out there. I’d tell him to go to a liquor store and get himself onto a first-name basis with the proprietor. I’d tell him to go find a milk carton and see if he can memorize the faces of the missing children.

If I was really conscientious, I’d have one of the receptionists from the office get into her Toyota and see if she can find the naked woman, follow her around, and see if she’s in some kind of trouble. I pay her $15.00 an hour and cover her mileage. Net cost: $25.00. No lives lost. No cars damaged. No big deal.

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Just read today that the police in Mildmay, Ontario, found out that a local Radio Shack dealer had purchased some parts from a cruise missile at a flea market in Ohio. Oooo! SWAT team for sure. On May 13, 1997, they invaded his store with 15 flak-jacketed camouflaged armed commandos (I am not making this up), terrifying the law-abiding owner, an electronics hobbyist with plans to take over the world but who was not charged with anything for four months. I’ll bet this operation cost more than $5,000. I’ll bet the Ontario Provincial Police ask for–and receive–more money next year, to handle this epidemic of terrorism: naked ladies and Radio Shack managers.

I would have sent that same secretary in her Toyota. Let’s have a chat. I’ll give you a thousand bucks. (According to the owner, he would have accepted less than that, if they had only offered.) Maybe we can work this out.

But the, what would the police do with all those flak jackets and commando gear? Paintball?