Chirocrackpot

Chirocrackpot

The acupuncturists better get their acts together. Sure, they occupy a distinctive and respected niche in the panoply of alternative remedies, but, if they don’t watch their backs, they are going to get blown right out of the market.

The trouble with acupuncture is that it claims to actually cure you. You go for a treatment, or two, or five, and then the acupuncturist says, “are you better?”. If you are better, you’re done. You pay your bill and go back to your life. If you’re not better, they’ll suggest you try something else.

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Miraculous? From a chiropractic brochure.

If I were an acupuncturist, I would make a few changes immediately. First of all, I would help form a strong organization of acupuncturists to sponsor “research” (he he he) to show that almost everyone suffers regular blockages of “qi” along those crowded meridians that run up and down your body. Then I would set up a “study” (ha ha ha) to show that people who receive regular acupuncture are healthier, happier, and sexier than people who don’t. It’s not hard to do. Read the polls. Ask the right question of the right people and you get the results you want every time! Heck, I would even claim that people who receive regular acupuncture get cancer 40% less often than people who only see a chiropractor. You think it might be hard to fudge that kind of data? Come on! Use your imagination!

Next, I would have special little free seminars on health, with treats, entertainment, and a clever speaker, to promote the virtues of weekly acupuncture. The real objective, of course, is not to provide information, but to acquire a large number of new patients. It is not necessary to tell even a single person at these seminars that he or she might not need acupuncture. Why, everyone does!

To successfully promote a remedy, you must first, of course, promote the disease. For chiropractors, it’s “subluxation”, (even though Microsoft’s dictionary doesn’t recognize it as a word). For acupuncturists, I suggest “neuritis”. It sounds sufficiently familiar and medical to be convincing while possessing the all-important quality of nebulousness. All acupuncturists must use this phrase constantly, in reference to every pathological condition, in order to convince the public that everybody has always known that “neuritis” has always existed and needs to be treated constantly. Why, children get “neuritis” right at birth! They need to be treated within the first week or so, to head off cancer, and asthma, chronic fatigue syndrome.

One chiropractor on the web offers a free initial consult to anyone. That’s a great idea. He says that he will provide a careful assessment, and then let you know if you need treatment!

Ha ha.

Ever go to Speedy muffler for a “free” brake inspection? Did they ever tell you, “Well, everything’s shipshape. Can’t find a thing to fix.”? Never. They get your car up on a hoist and then tell you that they just “can’t” let you go without fixing those dangerously worn out or defective brakes or struts or shocks or whatever. That’s the idea. If you really want to generate some serious income, get your prospective client naked on the table under a sheet, and then tell him or her that you just can’t, in good professional conscience, let him walk out that door without a treatment for that terrible case of neuritis.

Do you think it will be hard to convince people that they have neuritis? Not at all. Simply ask the following questions slowly while staring sympathetically into the patient’s eyes:

Do you ever feel tired or irritable?
Any trouble sleeping?
Aches and pains that never seem to go away?
Headaches?
Ever feel sad or depressed? Or tired?
Do you sometimes feel a vague sense of unease or displeasure?
Do you get tired sometimes?
Ever sit down in a chair and not want to get up and jog two miles?

There you go. Just try answering “no” to all those questions? I’ll bet you can’t.

Finally, if you really have trouble convincing your patients to come in more often, follow this procedure: adopt a very serious, compassionate expression, look the patient in the eye, and tell him or her that you cannot, in good conscience, continue to compromise your professional principles. If the patient is not willing to come in at least once every two weeks, you will have to refer him or her to another quack…. Er… therapist.

Interesting stuff on chiropractors:

http://www.chirobase.org/01General/chirosub.html

In 1973, the U.S. Congress authorized Medicare payments for chiropractic treatments if subluxation could be demonstrated from x-rays. This threw chiropractic into a tizzy, because even though chiropractors take x-rays all the time and point out the “subluxation” to their prospective clients… well, the truth is that nobody can really see subluxations. When 20/20 took a set of x-rays to three different chiropractors and asked them to point out the sub-luxated vertebrae, they each picked a different one.

Yet, they have to show one in order to get paid.

Two years ago, in an attempt to “unify” chiropractic terminology, the Association of Chiropractic Colleges issued the following definition: “A subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health.”

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So how about this: “neuritis is a complex of functional and/or structural and pathological changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health”.

Yeah. That about covers everything.

Alternative Medicine

How many have you tried? I’ll bet you’ve tried a few. Almost everyone gets sick or injured on a semi-regular basis. Almost everyone feels lousy now and then. Almost everyone wants to feel better than they do. How many people ever say, “boy, I feel great” almost every day? Not as many as we wish.

There are almost as many alternative therapies around today as there were theories of psychology in the 1960’s. But what is unusual about the state of health care today is the way it has become a kind of smorgasbord, from which people pick and choose as they please, without regard for the theoretical, religious, or cultural foundations of each therapy.

Most of these therapies have links to the far East. Acupuncture drew some attention back in 1971 when American journalist, James Reston, had his appendix removed while traveling with President Nixon’s entourage on a visit to China. The Chinese surgeons claimed to use acupuncture instead of general anesthesia during the surgery to remove the damaged appendix. Reston wrote favourably about the experience in the New York Times.

The trouble with most of these remedies, in the view of many members of the Medical establishment, is that, by normal standards of scientific investigation, they don’t really work, and they are based on utterly fantastical theories about how the human body works. Acupuncture, for example, identifies “meridians” that extend along the body from head to toe, and are somehow related to certain medical conditions. By inserting very thin needles into points along these meridians, various ailments can be cured or pain alleviated. Western science has never found empirical proof of the existence of these meridians or any relationship they might have with, say, back pain, or hemorrhoids, or allergies. The acupuncturist argues, well, they must exist because acupuncture works.

There is, in fact, a good deal of anecdotal evidence that acupuncture can be effective in treating certain conditions. On the other hand, you can find anecdotal evidence to prove just about anything, and “scientific” experiments have been inconclusive, at best. It is unclear whether it has a placebo effect—it works because people think it works—or really works in some way unknown to medical science.

Some alternative remedies offer maddeningly mystical explanations of how they work. Therapeutic touch claims to modulate the patient’s energy field, detect imbalances, and then redirect the energy to locations in the body requiring healing. Oddly enough, practitioners claim that there is “scientific” evidence that it works. Reiki claims to draw the body’s own healing power back into itself, through the channeling of the reiki therapist. Massage Therapists claim that stern manipulation of muscles and skin releases toxins (presumably into the bloodstream where they are safely disposed of by the liver and kidneys). Chiropractors claim that manipulating the spine to eliminate points of “subluxation” frees up blockages in the nervous system, though scientists insist that nerves are not like water hoses, that can be “pinched” and choked off—they are more like electrical circuits, which can only be “on” or “off”. Iridologists claim to detect symptoms in the patterns of the iris. A bit like reading your palm, and about as convincing, to the scientific establishment.

Most people don’t care about the theoretical underpinnings of alternative medicines. They might not buy the explanation entirely, but it isn’t hard to believe that western science doesn’t completely understand the human body. Customers of alternative therapists are typically dissatisfied with traditional medicine. It hasn’t worked for them. They are willing to try anything in the hope that it will work. For cases of back pain or depression, acupuncture or massage can be a harmless diversion. For cancer or more serious problems, alternative medicine offers hope where none existed before. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is so ill-defined and nebulous that almost any remedy can be advertised as a sure-fire cure.

It seems to me that there are three possible conclusions to be drawn. 1) all alternative remedies are, by and large, a sham, and the success stories are not representative of the actual experiences of most users. 2) at least some alternative remedies work, even if we don’t understand how or why just yet, and 3) alternative remedies work because they are based on a holistic view of life that takes into account spiritual and psychological dimensions that western science ignores.

After experimenting with a number of different alternative therapies, and reading as much as I could about the others, I’m not really very convinced about the effectiveness of the remedies themselves. However, some of the therapists are very nice people. They pay attention when you tell them your problems. They express concern and compassion to you, and they might even touch you with their hands. Most people respond to a kindly word or touch. Most people feel better after a session with a masseuse or reiki practitioner because, hey, it might be the only kindness they’ve experienced that week in their lives.

But the truth is that most traditional medical remedies are tested fairly thoroughly by the scientific community and most of the methods they use are sound. Does a new drug cure certain types of cancer? Get a group of 500 patients and give it to half of them and give a placebo to the other half. After five years, is there a difference? Sure drug companies try to cheat, and sure doctors over-prescribe and do too much surgery. The difference is that the medical community, by and large, believes in open, systematic testing and authentication of therapeutic drugs and practices. Any two-bit medical student can get approval to challenge any long-held scientific assumption, as long as he can marshal some evidence in support of his position.

There have been very few of these types of rigorous studies performed on alternative remedies. For one thing, most practitioners seems to instinctively shy away from any kind of systematic testing of their remedies. Chiropractors in particular seem shifty and evasive about what the term “subluxation” means, and how it is detected on an x-ray. Investigative news programs love going “undercover” to expose inconsistencies in the way they diagnose ailments. While it is true that some of these investigative programs—20/20 comes to mind—are sensationalistic and manipulative, the chiropractors don’t make much of a case for themselves.

Just how many alternative remedies are there?

Aromatherapy
Reiki
Cranial Sacral Therapy
Touch Therapy
Energy Balancing
Acupuncture
Needle-less acupuncture (acupuncture lite?)
Reflexology
Homeopathy
Chiropractic
Ear candling
Massage
Tai Chen
Shiatsu Massage
Iridology
Colon Therapy