I present this with little comment because I think it speaks for itself. It is a post on Reddit by a woman who complains that some of her male friends didn’t respond the way she wanted them to to her story of an attempted assault. I did not edit a word. As they say in the CBC, have a listen:
Sorry for the length, just need to vent. I’m going to keep this vague for fear of the post being recognized but I am so angry. In light of the trials of this past couple years and especially in light of the Kavanaugh trial, I just want to highlight exactly how hard it can be to talk about your experiences when, even the people you least expect, don’t want to hear it. I was hanging out with some guy friends of mine and we were talking about some of the shitty neighbors that have come through our building. I brought up this older man that use to live there. I always thought of him as just a lonely old man and watched sports with him here and there. Everyone I was with started saying good things about this man and I contested, saying he assaulted me. Now, these are all guys I’ve known awhile and felt absolutely comfortable telling them what happened, especially if they didn’t know what a dirtbag he was. Anyways, I start telling them about how he relentlessly tried to pull me away from my husband and party I was hosting until I finally gave in and said I’d come get whatever “present” he had to give me. When I got to his apartment, he gave me a shooter, saying he knew how much I loved this liquor. I laughed and thanked him and went to head back home when he pushed me onto his couch and put his arms on my legs asking “what’s the rush”. Like I said, he was older so I was able to push him off and run home. As I was saying these things, I’m not even joking, these “friends of mine just started talking, at the same time I was. Just spoke amongst each other as if I was not there and as if I hadn’t even started speaking. They just moved on completely uninterested. I was so angry, I just got up and went home without a word. WHEN A WOMAN CANT EVEN SPEAK TO MEN THAT ARE HER “FRIENDS” ABOUT AN ASSUALT, WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE SHE DIDNT REPORT OR SPEAK TO AN OFFICIAL. BE THERE FOR THE WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE, OR YOU’RE PART OF THE PROBLEM.
Would it be fair to say that the essence of her complaint is that a) her story is very important and her expectation is that her male friends should respond with sympathy and outrage and support and encouragement, and, b) her male friends found what she was saying uninteresting and moved on to other topics among themselves. And, c) it is morally offensive that she was not important enough to them to cause them to respond the way she thought they should.
In a way, it feels to me as if she is complaining that they didn’t like her.
I had an experience in college which I probably should be sorry about but I’m not. A young woman in the psychology program– a casual acquaintance– struck up a conversation with me very late one night, in the dorm lounge, and began telling me how she had been sexually abused by a male relative.
What is the purpose of this, I wondered, at the time. I am still perplexed by that question. It’s not that it should be secret or that there was anything shameful about it– women often describe their “shame” about such experiences but I’ve never gotten why they are the ones who should be ashamed when it was the perpetrator who behaved badly. She wanted me to know this about her. She had a purpose in mind.
I thought, is this supposed to make me pity you or admire you or regard you as a person who is really, really interesting?” Of course, I was supposed to be shocked and appalled and make various profuse expressions of support, encouragement, and respect. The fact that I didn’t was not evidence that I didn’t care that someone had assaulted her. It was evidence of the fact that I didn’t care about her as a person and I thought she was using this story to get something from me that I hadn’t offered.
I didn’t like her. I thought she was self-centered and pompous and tiresome. I wanted to get out of the conversation but, due to some native instinct of polite deference, I continued to listen uneasily.
I heard later that she was quite angry with me. I felt I owed her nothing. Just because you are the victim of a terrible act by someone you knew does not mean you are entitled to my attention or sympathy. She flogged her victimization at me expecting something in return that I refused to give. Why did she think I owed it to her? If I had been in her position, I would not have wanted a relationship based on pity.
[whohit]Why Are You Not Listening to Me[/whohit]